Dear Mom...

You
Want me to be
You
I understand your desire
For me to desire
God
But you condemn
Me
You
Judge
Me
With your words and actions
Tell me I can only be loved
If I act like
You
It hurts
When you cannot accept me
The way I am
I am this way
But
You would not understand
If I told you about my struggles
You
Would only condemn
How can I please you?
Only if I desire God
Only if
Everyone
Around me can see that
I desire God
When I mess up
You are ashamed
Because
Everyone
Cannot see that I desire God
I wish I could tell you
What I am going through
What I have gone through
What I have done
And I want to tell you
That what Satan is whispering in my ear
Is what you tell me every chance
You get
I have to be perfect
I have to
THINK
Only the right things
SAY
Only the right things
DO
Only the right things
I am not allowed to
Struggle
HURT
FAIL
You want me to prove
That I love God
Is that not condemning?
Judgement?
I
Do love God
But what if
I didn't?
You would not love me
The same
You would forever be
Shoving
Words down my throat
Even when I tell you
I desire to follow God
You
Shove words
Down my throat
What can I do to
Show you
Prove to you
The desires of my heart?
Should I really have to?
Is that required of me?
"Please your mother."
"Prove to your mother
You love me."
I never read that
In the Bible
Jesus is telling me
There is no condemnation
For those
Who are in
Christ.
I
Lost my way
For a while
And I am trying
Striving
To get back
But you cannot know
Because you would not
Understand.
I
hurt
so
much
But just because
I failed
And you did not
You would not
Understand
My struggles
Sure
You love me
If I have to prove
My love for God
For you
Could you not prove
Your
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
For me?

Ouch

I never really thought it would come to this
I have been forgotten
Thrown aside
Given up on
Left out
And this whole time I remembered you.
To me our friendship was deeper, we grew up together
I've known you forever
Always
Friends
But see I know that relationships ruin everything
As soon as she came along I was gone
Out of your eyes
Because she didn't like us being
Friends.
Did she not think about the fact that I've ALWAYS known you?
Forever
Friends.
I have lost so many friendships because of those terrible words...
Dating, Commitment, Marriage.
One, two, three, there I go
Pushed away
One: we were even married as kids, best friends when we were little
We did it all together, even eating the dog food
Cause the cat food was too salty.
You played superman and you saved me
But now you are getting married
and it slipped your mind to invite me...I see.
Friends.
Two: We got closer and closer as we got older
We were even in the same clique at camp
Until she came along, the little tramp
And decided what we had was unacceptable...
Friends
And you agreed and now we don't speak.
And you let her get away with so much
Against me
But because of that word
Relationship
You were of course supporting her
And I was not only out money...I was out a friend.
Three: You were my brother. You meant more to me than I can explain in words.
Bear rug, alphabet pillow, these are memories that never get old
I weep at the thought of losing you
I weep at the thought of what you've done, too
I weep because you have hurt so many
I weep because you don't care any
And I loved you so much but that doesn't matter
My own brother listened to my heart shatter
You helped cause it you know, but that isn't the point,
The point is you've forgotten me now
Friends no longer
No more
Never again
You have a new life
And put me aside
Because growing up together
Nineteen years together
Really is not a big deal at all.

Thanks for the nineteen years.
I will remember them enough for us all.
Because I know you have more important things to take care of now
More important people
New lives
But I will think of you often
Because our friendship was dear to me

But I get it...
Growing up together was no big deal
Nineteen years but I shouldn't feel
Hurt.





























































*You may think by this that I have some pent up bitterness issues. You may be right lol. But enjoy it anyways I'm just letting it out on paper/blog. haha And one, two and three will probably never read this.*

Lovely Little Angel

Lovely little angel sits on the edge
Elbows on her knees and halo on her head.

Dreams of laughter and rainbows
Smiles and clouds
Hatred and tears are nowhere to be found.

Lovely little angel crosses her legs
Fists under her chin and she begins to beg:

Let this world become brighter
Everything that overshadows become lighter
Take away the burdens and the problems

Lovely little angel sheds a sad tear
Wipes it away with her finger and then she hears

Sweet angel of mine let go of your sorrow
Everything will be fine, just wait for tomorrow
Your heart is pure, your compassion is real
Go watch over my flock
Until the day I appear

Just the way this world works

Yeah you thought you had me understood
But then you realized you never even knew
A thing about me
I am more than you could ever be
I am stronger than anyone you've ever seen
I will be greater than you
Can even count to
Don't try to pin me down
I have already risen above
Higher than you can see
Higher than you will ever be
Higher than you were last night with your friends
Think about it again
You still won't get it
You are just like that
Too bad you think so highly of yourself
I hate for you to be disappointed so often
When you realize nothing you will ever do
Is anything close to what I have already done
And accomplished
And you cry tears of frustration
Because all you want is for me to be wrong
Just once
But never
Ever
Will that ever come true for you
That's just the way this world works
Me on top and you not even a dot
On the map
I am almost sorry that you are nothing
Then again I made it that way
When I stole everyone's attention
And all I had to do was blink
Sorry
But you lost
Sorry
But it never gets better
Too bad you couldn't get it right
Not like anyone gave you a chance
But that's just the way this world works
I am loved and you are not known
Hey think of it this way
No pressure
For you to be anything good
Since you will never be anything at all
That's just the way this world works
Me never failing and you never even given the option to stand or fall





*Erica is not "me or I in this!"

Alone

Dang, I wrote a lot when I was 14 (I have more from then to post...)

Alone in the darkness, I sit with fear,
Alone in the darkness, no one is here.
The void that fills my lonely soul,
Came, it seems, a thousand years ago.
There's no one here, there is no hope.
There's no one here to help me cope.
But now the light through my window shines,
It seems to know the thoughts of my mind,
It's bright rays earn their pay,
It's bright rays seem to say,
"With God everything is possible, you'll see,
With God, with God, believe you me!"
And now for me it's God as my witness,
God alone, in health and in sickness.

Beauty Queen

Again.....14!! And I am not vain...haha

I look like a beauty queen, I know that it is true.
I look like a beauty queen to me and to you.
You say I am conceited, but what do you know?
I am as beautiful as the first falling snow.
I am so beautiful, I know that it is true.
I am so beautiful, and NO one asked you!

If I had two families

I was 14 when I wrote this one also...

If I had two families, my life would be full.
If I had two families, nothing would be dull.
And if my two families lived in Spain and Germany,
I would have two families who were quite foreign to me!
But I only have one family and I will love them just the same
As if I had two families who live in Germany and Spain.


Yeah what a cool teenager I was haha