Late Introduction

Now that I already posted a couple little writings let me introduce this blog. I wanted a place to strictly post my poems, short stories and whatever other thoughts I have. That's all...just another way to waste my time :-) I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I would love to have a place to post anything and everything I write and not take up a ton of space on myspace!

My Perfect Man, Where Are You?

I wouldn't even know who you wereIf you came and knocked on my door
I try to picture you in my head
But it isn't focused and you look pale and dead.
No, I know that isn't you
That's just the way I think you may be.
But how should I know?
I wouldn't even know your face if it were right in front of me.
Maybe you have blue eyes.
Or do I prefer green?
Sometimes I like the brown ones
That gaze deeply at me.
You could have some lovely brown curls
Or shiny blonde hair,
Possibly straight red and blazing,
It's not like I care, I just wish you were here!
I have tried many times to dream you up;
The perfect unabridged version of my true love,
Sometimes you're tall
Sometimes a little shorter
Sometimes you are super close
But mostly only further
Away
From whereI want you
To be.
I don't know who you are
I don't even know who I want you to be.
I imagine a great man of mystery
But I would rather you go ahead and reveal yourself to me.
If we are planning on being lovers
Just go right ahead
And show me who it is
That I am supposed to wed!
Hey, I'm not a picky girl
But let's get one thing straight
I want a cat and about four kids
Any more questions?
No?
Great, let's get hitched!
So call me pathetic
Or simply, a girl
I don't care what you call me,
But don't call me a
whore.
I'm glad we got that covered, now moving right along
I wouldn't even mind if we got ourselves a small dog.
Are you getting the picture?
Do you think this could be you?
I hope you can recognize yourself
Because I am still having a hard time
Seeing through the rainbows and clouds
In my dream.
Oh wait, the clouds are parting and the rainbow crashes to the ground,
I see that it is not a perfect man that I have found.
In fact, there is no one in this dream but me
And now I am getting drenched.
The tears of all the other girls
Who dreamed their lives away
Are now pouring down on me
And scaring my cat away.
Oh yes, I knew all along there was no great man
That would explain why this whole time
I had such a hard time
Picturing him.

Girl Under Pressure

Turn to me, he says
Take my hand, he prompts
Look me in the eyes, I'll hold you tight
He makes promises
Will he keep them?
Probably not
There's only one way to know
But to take that chance has a sure consequence
A broken heart
From the broken promise
A waterfall of tears
From the flood of lies
To trust is to give up
To give up is to break
To break hurts
Like constant daggers
Going through every piece
Of me.
He says he wants more
I know what he wants
I shouldn't give in but
I know it'll keep him
I'll be ok if he stays
If he leaves, who knows if I can handle
The pain
I keep going through it in my head
Give him what he wants
And he'll love you then
But what if it's not good enough
Make him wait
But then he'll go somewhere else
Someone else
Just the thought kills me
In my imagination everything's perfect
He's not asking for more
He really loves me
He cares about ME
He doesn't pressure, coax, prompt or
Make empty promises
Empty promises
What is he thinking now?
I don't see him looking?
Here he goes again
Promising
I hear him saying things
I know they're not real
I know it's not true
I know what he wants
If he doesn't get it
I'll be alone again
Touching my face now
Looking into my eyes
His eyes plead
Why is he torturing me?
I know what this means
I turn my face to the wall
Tomorrow I'll regret my decision
When I realize I was right
And I'm alone and he's gone
And he's getting what he wants
And I'm hurting because I trusted
Knowing this will all happen over again and again
Because I'm just a girl who dreams of
Being truly
LOVED.

It Claimed Her

She turned around and there it was. It was staring at her. It was laughing at the tears pouring down her face. She couldn't believe it was still there after all this time, so many years in cruel, persistent laughter. She wondered if it would ever stop hovering right around the corner, stalking her, berating her. And as she wondered, it continued to laugh, as if to say, "You wish me gone and yet I am still here, still watching, still marveling at the depth of your sadness." She decided to try and ignore it and pretend she was alone. It laughed harder, yelled louder, and crawled into her mind. "You are alone and that's the problem. We both know you want me here." She knew she wanted it gone but now it was controlling her thoughts. She tried to remember the happier times but it had blocked them and created new thoughts of failure and brokenness. She considered her options but could only think of one. She hated that option. She pushed it and struggled with it but it was attached to her despair. It wouldn't move. It wouldn't let go, let up, or give in. It was shaking now with the laughter that gave her chills. It was winning. She knew what she had to do. It knew that she would. She stopped crying and stopped rationalizing. She left reality and assumed the fetal position. She would leave the way she came. It laughed. It was enjoying this scene. Her end did not take long to come. She was so close already. And then she was gone. It only stayed a little while longer. It nudged her lifeless body to be sure it's work was done, and then it moved on, searching for sadness, despair, and broken hearts, laughing the whole time.