The traitor beats inside

She felt the pain in her heart perceptibly
Like everytime she breathed
Something new punctured the precious organ
Sometimes tiny little needles
Sometimes jagged daggers
She never knew how awful it would hurt next
And sometimes, the pain was so unbearable
That she was simply numb.
Those were the worst times.

So much had caused this pain
So many people
Can you even call them people?
The ones who did this to her?
It is unethical to call them human beings
When there is nothing humane about them

Can you not see she is aching
Because of what you did?
Or the lack of your actions is a better description.
She cared for you
Wanted to take care of you
Wanted to love you
Possibly.
More than any of that...

She wanted you to care
About her
For her

She wanted you to show the smallest amount of respect
She wants to believe she gave so much
Or you took so much
But the truth is,
She knew
From the beginning she knew this would happen
So she can't blame you

Once more she only has herself to blame
It never ends.

That is what is ironic about this situation
This agony can be traced in a full circle
The very heart that falls apart so easily
The same heart that hurts so badly
Is the source.
Is the reason.
She knows the truth.

You showed no real concern for her
You threw her into misery
You admitted you did not care
You told her you overlooked her
But the fact of the matter is
She did it to herself

Her heart betrayed her
Time and time again
The traitor beats inside her
Infecting the blood that rushes through her body
Restricting the breath that always tries to escape
But freely pouring out the tears
That wash away the fake smile on her weary face

She suffers but she knows
She only has herself to blame.

Sex trade as a reality...read it all

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3071965/ -Watch that/read that


My note-

I feel physically sick right now as I think more and more about the reality of the sex trade and sex slavery. More than that, I am sickened by the general ignorance of the majority. Chosen ignorange, I believe. It's much easier to not know about it or not think about it than realize how awful and gross and terrible it is and not really be able to do anything...or WANT to do anything about it. Come on guys, this is REAL and GROWING. This will not go away or fizzle out. This business/operation is HUGE and worldwide. I am just so angry about it and the whole idea that it is right here...RIGHT HERE in front of our faces and so many people don't know.

Preventing children from being sold into the trade is going to be what I devote my life to and that is my passion (Remembernhu.org). That makes me angry, sure. The fact that men (and women I'm sure) can do that to little girls AND boys who are so young and innocent. It's evil. But there are so many young teenage girls and young women who are forced to serve 20 or more men a night...FORCED. They are beaten, raped, and owned by their pimps. They do not choose this lifestyle. And yet these men having sex with them...these pigs who are so horrid they have to pay for sex... they think these girls enjoy this. Most of them believe these girls CHOSE to be prostitutes.
I'm reading a book called "The Natashas" by Victor Malarek and he says if the clients would just ask these girls their names or even where they came from they would very quickly hear stories about kidnapping, being sold, abuse, trafficking, etc...But they don't care enough. It makes me wonder if these men heard the stories...would it make a difference? Moving on to another thing that is eating away at my heart, people get really defensive saying some girls DO choose to be prostitutes. Here's the thing. There are girls in very bad living situations in poor countries (in America too, I'm sure) and they hear of an opportunity to go to another country, live in very nice places, get tons of money for sex, be able to buy themselves all these nice things and so they choose to go be a prostitute. However, when they get to their destination they quickly realize this is NOT what they were hoping for...in fact this is hell. They are imprisoned, locked up, beaten into submission and do not actually get to keep any money at all. So go ahead, argue that some of these girls are willingly part of the trade. If you would argue that, you are another reason I am wanting to punch someone right now!

Now here's another thing...there are prostitutes who are just that...literal whores. That girl in the Spitzer case Ashley whatever. She wasn't trafficked, beaten or forced. She chose that life.

Does anyone see the difference? I am not talking about girls like her who chose to be a prostitute and was just that...I'm talking about girls who choose to be prostitutes because they are so desperate and then are trafficked and become sex slaves. PLEASE admit that is a huge difference. The problem is there are these two types, prostitutes and slaves, mingling in bars, clubs, stripper clubs, massage parlors etc...and it is very hard to tell the difference by the outward appearance. The government or police will just assume anyone in these places should be charged and deported or taken to jail.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. How can we sit back and know these things are going on? These poor girls are empty. They have no love..not only that but they have so much evil around them. More than we can imagine. It is not RIGHT or FAIR that they are sent to jail after all these things have been done to them. And of course if they get deported what are they going to do?! They are back in the situation they were so desperate to leave (or were taken from/sold from).
Who can stop this? Who will rise up?
People need to know this is really happening. I think sometimes even when people read articles or books or hear stories, they are so crazy and awful people do not think it can be real. Sounds like just a movie or exxaggerated.

FALSE!! It's reality!! It's happening and this is the time for it to stop! I'm heated. I'm angry. I'm sickened. I'm so tired of the millions upon millions of women and children being told and treated like they are worthless.
They are not worthless.
No one deserves this.
They need help.

Now people may argue that they are just drug addicts or whatever.

Did you know pimps will hook their "property" on heroin (or another drug) to ensure they won't leave and will be cooperative? In a lot of intervention cases, girls end up going back to the brothels or clubs. There are several reasons for this:
1. They have been there so long and have been told that now they are damaged and no good and worth NOTHING and in their culture they will be treated like nothing. What does life hold for them now?
2. They need the drugs their pimps hooked them on and know they can get it there.
3. They feel worthless insideand more. Can we blame them? It's our own countrymen that got them in this situation.

Yes I am blaming Americans!

Of course not only Americans...but you wouldn't believe how many Americans were in Cambodia with lovely Asian "escorts." Do you think those young ladies actually chose to hang out with that old, fat, ugly foreigner they can't even talk to all day and night?! Then do whatever he asks of them.

Come on.

I don't think these traffickers and pimps and club owners deserve to live. I really don't. I honestly would like to find every single one of them and shoot them! And I want to just hug all those girls/women/boys that are trapped. I know God loves them. I am being honest and telling you I do not have God's love for the evil men AND women that are involved in trafficking.
The clients....the ones that pay. The ones that go on sex tours, or make a quick stop somewhere before they go home. The FUEL for the trade.I wish they knew the damage they've done and continue to do. I fully believe if they knew they would not be able to live with themselves.Or I hope so! I don't think they SHOULD live if they know!! Again...I know. God loves them. I know they need Jesus. Somehow God will still accept them after all the lives they've ruined. I hope all these people DO find Jesus and turn their lives around and if that does happen they better be in full reverse gear trying to get rid of this evil!

God please...I need your love for these traffickers, pimps, clients, etc before I go to help these girls. Please God, HELP these girls and boys! Stir up a passion in more people, like you've done in me to do something about this disgusting evil. There is nothing funny or entertaining about it. Jesus bring awareness to the massess.

If you are still reading this, please...research. Believe that this is really happening. Yes, sex sells. Unfortunately that is way too true. You can do the simplest google search and find so much information.

It is NOT that hidden...we just have our eyes closed.After I had my eyes ripped open and saw for myself some of this, I not only want to change things....I have no choice. My life is forever going to be a mission to help these poor lost souls. I would never be sattisfied doing anything else with my life. I don't care how much money I made or friends I could have...in the back of my mind I would be weeping for the "worthless" people. I'm not that smart. This note is not stuffed with big words or philosophical thoughts. In fact, I had to spell check a lot of these words in here!! But my heart has been broken by this and I can do something to change it...and so can you.

It is a reality everyone! Believe it and then do something about it.

Remember Nhu and all the other "Nhus" out there.

The Two People and the Room

Lust was in the room waiting. He could feel that someone was trying to get rid of him but he did not want to leave. He had been around for a while and thought it was rude for this person to attempt to throw him out when he had been entertaining Lust for so long. "He has kept me around quite a while now and suddenly thinks he can just get rid of me?" He thought to himself. Lust was enjoying his time with these people and did not want to go, even though he was feeling a little lonely. He decided to invite his friend Temptation to the room because he was always fun. A little hot and cold though, kind of on and off. But tonight he knew Temptation would be full blown party mode. He was not sure why, he could just feel it. Temptation was hardly one to come to a party alone though..only on his off days. So Temptation brought along Desire. She was beautiful. Long, dark hair and shining eyes. She always had a spark and was always ready for fun. Lust did not feel like the person was trying to get rid of him anymore. Now he felt welcomed. Lust, Temptation and Desire were dancing between the two people in the room. They were great dancers and knew how to get others involved in the dances. Desire spun around and around and her hair caressed both people. It was while she was dancing that she remembered her best friend was going to be at the party also and must be close now. Passion and Desire had been friends forever. They were almost inseparable, showing up together everywhere. Passion entered the room just as Desire was thinking of her. Passion and Temptation began to dance. Passion, Desire, Temptation and Lust saw each other often but it was always exciting being around each other. They danced into the night.

The friends stayed the night but began to realize who was going to show up soon. They did not like them. Guilt knocked on the door first. He walked in with authority, and trust me, he was a big guy and his presence was very noticeable. He always had a stern face and a straight back and walked like he had business to take care of...and he usually did. Passion and Desire left together to go find another party; that was their job and it was never finished. Temptation saw that Guilt wanted alone time with the people and so he ran out the door. Lust stayed a while just to see what happened. Guilt looked the people in the eyes. It was at that moment that Shame came creeping in the room. He is a real creeper that Shame. He went and sat in bewteen the two people. Guilt and Shame knew each other very well but really were not very fun. They called their friend Regret to come into the room to meet these people, but Regret said he had met them many times before. It could hardly be called a party with these three around but they always stayed longer than the first party guests. And they really always wore out their welcome. They just sat with the people. Staring into their eyes. Eating away at their souls.

After a while they started to get uncomfortable. Guilt really wanted to stick around because he loved making the people feel terrible (which explains his friendship with Regret). He searched the room for the source of this strange feeling. He found her stashed under a pile of clothes. He wanted to make her stay there but even when people try to keep her away she knows how to get back through. It was Love. Stuffed under dirty clothes, hidden and dirty. But she got up and brushed herself off. She really was lovely. Even bruised like she was, there was something soft and refreshing about her. Maybe it was the twinkle in her eyes or the way her mouth was always curved at the corners. Or even the way she walked, like she was ready to leap and run to a person to hug and comfort them at any moment. She saw Shame sitting there with a tight hold on both people and told him gently that it was time to leave. He quickly creeped right out the window, hoping to find where Passion had gone to next. Love spoke to Guilt in a sweet voice and said, "You do not belong here. Please leave." Guilt was not ready to go yet and demanded a good reason. "Just because you are here, Love, does not mean I have to go." Very true. Sometimes Guilt and Love stayed in the same room for a very long time, no matter how uncomfortable they were with each other. Love knew that someone else was there. He was sometimes very hard to find, but he was there. She called his name and knew that the people had a difficult time with him so they had probably pushed him away somewhere. It was not like they didn't like him. They really enjoyed the feelings he brought. He was just very difficult and hard to deal with and accept. But there he was, standing in the doorway waiting to be invited in by the people. They were so tired of Guilt by then that they gladly called him over. It was Forgiveness and he wasted no time in kicking Guilt out of the room.Repentance was with Forgiveness but she was so much kinder than Regret. She was also a close friend of Love's. As Repentance, Forgiveness and Love gathered around the two people, they decided to leave the room and not enter again. They realized now what a bad idea it had been to go in there when Lust had begged them. They would not listen to Lust again. They decided to hold Love's hands as she walked them through to the other side of the house, where they had been meaning to go the whole time. Purity had been left behind but Forgiveness got her all caught up with the crew, and together they made it to the big day. The day Lust had convinced them was not important. But they finally made it.

And Marriage happily welcomed them into his room.

Just Something I Write to ALL my friends.........

You make my tummy rumble

No that isn't what I mean

I mean butterflies

No...more intense...draggonflies



I just mean I'm empty when you aren't here

No...that's always

I'm not always empty

Or..Am I?



Wonder what it would feel like to have you around

I'll just wonder for now

Soon we'll be found

You know what that's from?



I know you do

It's something we quote to each other

Everything she sings

Made for each other

Sweetz I miss you

Baby I gotta see you

I hate love

And loving

And caring

But here I am

Wishing I could be sharing

My life

With you

Is there more I can say

Yes plenty

But then you'll think you're special

...Psh I treat everyone this way!

The Chase

It's a dark room
With the door closed
Open the door
Run
Faster
There is no time to waste

If you stop...................

Don't think about it
RUN
Let the tears fall
There is no time to dry them
They don't matter
Everyone knew of your sadness anyway

Out of breath already?
Out of time
Out of space
Between
Better get up
NO don't sit
No time to rest

You could not beat it
And now the door is beginning to shut
And you even made it out of the room
If only for a while
For a breath of fresh air
But you couldn't make it

It's a dark room
With the door closed.

Dear Mom...

You
Want me to be
You
I understand your desire
For me to desire
God
But you condemn
Me
You
Judge
Me
With your words and actions
Tell me I can only be loved
If I act like
You
It hurts
When you cannot accept me
The way I am
I am this way
But
You would not understand
If I told you about my struggles
You
Would only condemn
How can I please you?
Only if I desire God
Only if
Everyone
Around me can see that
I desire God
When I mess up
You are ashamed
Because
Everyone
Cannot see that I desire God
I wish I could tell you
What I am going through
What I have gone through
What I have done
And I want to tell you
That what Satan is whispering in my ear
Is what you tell me every chance
You get
I have to be perfect
I have to
THINK
Only the right things
SAY
Only the right things
DO
Only the right things
I am not allowed to
Struggle
HURT
FAIL
You want me to prove
That I love God
Is that not condemning?
Judgement?
I
Do love God
But what if
I didn't?
You would not love me
The same
You would forever be
Shoving
Words down my throat
Even when I tell you
I desire to follow God
You
Shove words
Down my throat
What can I do to
Show you
Prove to you
The desires of my heart?
Should I really have to?
Is that required of me?
"Please your mother."
"Prove to your mother
You love me."
I never read that
In the Bible
Jesus is telling me
There is no condemnation
For those
Who are in
Christ.
I
Lost my way
For a while
And I am trying
Striving
To get back
But you cannot know
Because you would not
Understand.
I
hurt
so
much
But just because
I failed
And you did not
You would not
Understand
My struggles
Sure
You love me
If I have to prove
My love for God
For you
Could you not prove
Your
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
For me?

Ouch

I never really thought it would come to this
I have been forgotten
Thrown aside
Given up on
Left out
And this whole time I remembered you.
To me our friendship was deeper, we grew up together
I've known you forever
Always
Friends
But see I know that relationships ruin everything
As soon as she came along I was gone
Out of your eyes
Because she didn't like us being
Friends.
Did she not think about the fact that I've ALWAYS known you?
Forever
Friends.
I have lost so many friendships because of those terrible words...
Dating, Commitment, Marriage.
One, two, three, there I go
Pushed away
One: we were even married as kids, best friends when we were little
We did it all together, even eating the dog food
Cause the cat food was too salty.
You played superman and you saved me
But now you are getting married
and it slipped your mind to invite me...I see.
Friends.
Two: We got closer and closer as we got older
We were even in the same clique at camp
Until she came along, the little tramp
And decided what we had was unacceptable...
Friends
And you agreed and now we don't speak.
And you let her get away with so much
Against me
But because of that word
Relationship
You were of course supporting her
And I was not only out money...I was out a friend.
Three: You were my brother. You meant more to me than I can explain in words.
Bear rug, alphabet pillow, these are memories that never get old
I weep at the thought of losing you
I weep at the thought of what you've done, too
I weep because you have hurt so many
I weep because you don't care any
And I loved you so much but that doesn't matter
My own brother listened to my heart shatter
You helped cause it you know, but that isn't the point,
The point is you've forgotten me now
Friends no longer
No more
Never again
You have a new life
And put me aside
Because growing up together
Nineteen years together
Really is not a big deal at all.

Thanks for the nineteen years.
I will remember them enough for us all.
Because I know you have more important things to take care of now
More important people
New lives
But I will think of you often
Because our friendship was dear to me

But I get it...
Growing up together was no big deal
Nineteen years but I shouldn't feel
Hurt.





























































*You may think by this that I have some pent up bitterness issues. You may be right lol. But enjoy it anyways I'm just letting it out on paper/blog. haha And one, two and three will probably never read this.*