The Story of a Broken Child.Part one of many.

Introduction: The First Night

The small brown hand shook as it rested on the table. She was only a child. I didn't understand how anyone could want to hurt her. All I felt for her was love and pity but someone in her own family must have hated her to discard her so easily. Maybe I wasn't being fair. They were desperate, I'm sure, but she was seven. I wanted to replace the year of her life I knew would haunt her forever. The year she should have been learning to ride a bike, starting school, even just playing in the street. Instead she had been beaten, used, forced to please customers. The thought brought tears to my eyes as I looked across the table at this thin child sitting in front of a full bowl of rice, lacking any emotion in her big brown eyes. She must have felt me looking at her because she looked up at me and smiled. It was an empty smile but I smiled back, wanting to comfort her. She put her head down and placed her hands in her lap. This was the youngest case I had personally been involved with and even though I had seen many sad cases, this one seemed to affect me the most. I didn't know her name or the sound of her voice but I wanted to find the relative that sold her and show them the bruises on this little girl's body. I hope they would feel the same pain I knew this girl felt. It was almost time to go but she hadn't touched her food, and even though it was still dark outside we had to get her to the new safehouse as soon as possible. It was my first case in America. I had worked for five years in Cambodia, rescuing girls and boys out of brothels and placing them in safehouses or specially chosen foster homes, so it was almost ironic that my first case in America was a beautiful little girl straight from Cambodia. This was going to be a tough case, more dangerous than any I had ever worked. For the first time in my career, the trafficker was coming to get her. Nothing seemed more important to me than keeping this beautiful child safe. I wanted to scream at this man who was coming after her. It wasn't like I wanted another child to be taken and have to go through this, but why did he have to torment this girl any longer? I knew it would be easier to find another poor, desperate family in Cambodia than following us all over the US and trying to take her back. Why was she so special to him now? She had been through enough and I was determined to keep him away.

I was very interested in her story. How did they get her from Cambodia to New York City? What horrible places had they taken her in between? I wanted to know exactly who had sold her and what did they buy that could replace this granddaughter/daughter/sister/niece/friend. I was going to find the answers and no one was going to hurt this seven year old anymore. I felt like my entire career was just leading me up to this point. I was meant for this and I was ready. I got up from the table and reached out my hand, hoping one day she would trust me. She hesitated, but finally she took my hand and I knew my life would never be the same.

My Favorite Things

Give me coffee in the morning
Give me wine at night
A margarita on the weekend
Everything will be alright

Hot chocolate on cold evenings
Wrap in a blanket to top it off
Pink lemonade on hot days
Better take the blanket off!

A good book makes all this better
With any beverage that you like
Leave this world for another
A few hours at a time

If you have a good imagination
Write a story of your own
Make up something magical
And leave your problems at home

To my sweet, precious little girls in Cambodia

I can't wait to hear all your little voices
My stomach is turning flips in anticipation
I love you all so much more
Than I thought I could love.

Every day you are on my mind
Every one of you
Not one is left behind
I dream of seeing you again
Cuddling up to watch a movie
Snuggling with each of you to nap
Squeezing you so tight
As we hug out our greeting

I can barely wait the two hours
Two more hours til I can hear your voices
I doubt I'll be able to communicate how much I've missed you
I hope I can tell you how much I love you
I hope you understand I'm dying to see you!

You are all so precious to me
You are all in my heart forever
You are all the sweet little girls
I wish I never had to live without

There is not a chance of me sleeping
Passing these two hours by peacefully
I am too excited
Too anxious
Too caught up in thinking about how close it is until we can speak!

People don't understand
How deep my love runs
For each and every one of you
You have each changed my life
Made me realize my passion
My goal, my drive, my reason for fighting is because of you

Two hours
Too long!

I hope we can even understand each other!
But we already know that love overcomes the language barrier.

I love you individually
I love you all

For two hours
I guess I can go practice my Vietnamese:-)

Lala La La Laaaa

This topic isn't boring
The subject is not sad
The class is very interesting
The teacher no old hag

It is so close to the end
You would think
I could breeze right through

But this paper staring back at me
Produces only thoughts of you

This is not a real poem
This is not a love song
This is simply to tell everyone
That my paper is not done

The only thoughts I have are

Lala La La Laaaa
Leyla oh hey ohhh
May 9th 2009
Lala La La Laaaa

Sing along if you want to
Hum the tune if you will
May 9th is coming soon
And rejoice we all will

Repeat my thoughts with me

Lala La La Laaaa
Leyla oh hey ohh
May 9th 2009
Lala La La Laaaa

Our families will join us
Many tears we will shed
Our memories will never leave us
Of the lives we have led

Four long year with y'all and together we now sing

Lala La La Laaaa
Leyla oh hey ohh
May 9th 2009
Lala La La Laaaa

Goodbye my dear friends
But please not forever
I love you like family
And forget you I will never

One last time let's sing

Lala La La Laaaa
Leyla oh hey ohh
May 9th 2009
Lala La La Laaaa



---If you're wondering if I have a tune for this....I do---

"Dear John" letter

-His name is not John but I loved him. He was never really mine but I lost him. He may have already forgotten me but I will never forget. He may have really loved me, but I will never know.- This was written while trying to avoid my last research paper:-)

Ah, John how have you been
Spendid I'm sure
You poor lost soul
Without me you must be bored

I like to pretend you miss me every second
You picture my face when you close your eyes
You consider yourself horribly torn
Without me by your side

Ah, John you silly boy
You asked me to leave
Not with words
But your actions were enough

I sit here and tell myself I was never sad
That it ended at all
I like to believe it was never painful
Like it was not love in the first place

Ah, John did you love me
Honestly, did you?
I act like I am positive
That you never did

I have my doubts
I entertain all sorts of ideas
He loved me
He loved me not

Ah, John you creature of habit
Or just, you creature
You could have proved your "love"
If in fact it existed

I wonder to myself
Is that really love?
If it must be proven
Is it love?

Ah, John I could have just trusted
How funny the idea of trust
Believing everything you said
Without really knowing your inner thoughts

Well farewell my dignity
Because I feel I wronged you
And I am admitting it
But not to you

Ah, John I'll tell everyone else
But I will not inform you
I constantly put you down
And blamed everything on you

I still know in my heart
That you could have done more
I wanted so badly
For you to do more

Ah, John I wish you had
Made a little effort
But it's done and over
And I am letting it all go

I did love you
Maybe you did love me
I can pretend whatever I want about what we had
But I cannot pretend what we are now: finished

Ah John, I am saying goodbye
We are done and over
I am letting you go
Ah John, adios :-)

West Nyack Car Wash

This is my farewell to the many all-nighters I have pulled at Dunkin Donuts. There is a sign I have become accustomed to stare at while procrastinating that is next to my beloved Dunkin Donuts. Four long years....this was written while attempting to write my last research paper as a Nyack College student.


Dear sign, so bright you shine
Will I remember your curvy letters
Shall I forget the times we've shared
I've spent countless nights with you
We've spent years together staying up late

I take a break, I look out the window
I see you are always there
Drawing attention with your red white and blue
Are you attempting patriotism or did you even know
How easily I am distracted by your lack of beauty
You have no pizzazz
WHY do you distract
Me so?

I gaze at you
I admire your resiliance
You are always on
Always working
Reminding me again that I am slacking

Still I decide to admire you
Instead of turn back to this
Steady stream of homework

But

Soon we shall part
How horribly sad and heartbreaking
I hate to say it but
I'm leaving you
Seeing you
No more
I look upon you with respect
For working so hard

You contiunally ask people
To join you
You desire clean cars
You do your job well
During the day I see a lot there
Cars are drawn to you while the sun is up
Just as I am drawn to you when the moon shows it's love

Now I have successfully avoided this paper
And you have been a successful advertisement
For the West Nyack Car Wash.
Good-bye, adios, you will be missed my hardworking distraction.

He told me I was worth it...

Written during the PSF retreat where God was revealing Himself to me every minute! This was written during the hour solo time/the time to find something to take with us and something to leave. Sitting in front of a large statue of St. Anthony titled, "Anthony Pray For Us"

I am cleansed
I am purified
I am eternally grateful.

I've been redeemed
By your blood

I've been washed
With your love

You were beaten, mocked and murdered
You were tortured and crucified
You suffered for ME
So I can be FREE

-And you told me I was worth it-

Lord, you are...

Written during the PSF retreat where God was revealing Himself to me every minute! This was during the 7 hour solo time...dang. I'm not sure if I'm done with this one so I didn't put a period.

Take me in your arms, never let me go
I want to be with you always
I want your righteousness to flow
Onto me, over me, to clothe me.

You are Saviour, Healer, Coming King
You are the Creator of everything
You are the Alpha and Omega
The beginning and end
You are Jehovah Jirah
You are my friend

You are the Redeemer
You are the Sacrificial Lamb
You are Abba Father
You hold my heart in your hands
You are the Protector
You are the Prince of Peace
You are God Almighty
You love endlessly

True Forgiveness

How I'm lost
How I'm found
Jesus Christ
Laid his life down

Still I falter
Still I fail
Every time I do
I think about each nail

That pierced Him.

My God, my King,
How have you forgiven me?

The dirty sinner that I am
You love me eternally
You reached out your hand
Told me I can be free

My God, my King
Thank you for forgiving me.

One year

RIP Heath Ledger

Deliverance

Behind my mask the misery dwells
Only sometimes seeping through the cracks
When I attempt a smile
And the plaster breaks
The mask covers the hideousness that lies behind
Smothering me
Suffocating me until I can no longer breathe
The air from my lungs is trying so hard to find a path
To escape
It hurts
to

breathe

Is it really worth the effort
After all the labor for one breath
I now suffer through another
I ponder the new thought
Of giving in
But force it away as I
Force another breath
Another smile
I can feel the mask cracking
Around my lips
An idea has often floated around my
Troubled mind
Break through the mask
Let it go
Take it off
Show yourself
Even the hideousness that
Hides
Smile freely
But the mask is now cemented firmly
Refusing to break
It was then you saw me
Struggling
You came to me
You broke me completely
All so I could be free
Of that affectation
At first, the shattered mask left pieces behind
Left patches of the old
People called out names
Hypocrite
Then you took my face in your hands
Washed it clean
Scrubbed away the broken pieces from that
Dirty Mask

Gone

I smiled

Nothing broke
I exhaled
The breath danced through every part of me
I spoke
Words of praise escaped my joyful lips
I opened my eyes
And saw you standing there
My heart stopped
Tears formed in my eyes
My stomach was turning
For you were wearing that very mask
You had liberated me from
You took it upon yourself
To deliver me from burning

-fake-empty-lie-

You are not real
Do not keep lying to me
I hate your words
I know you say the same beautiful things
To many others
At least another
Why do you torture me?
You know my weak heart
Beats faster when you say
I love you
WHY must you lie
PLEASE just stop telling me
Things I know are not real
I have never understood
Your reasons
Why you talk to me
Sometimes, anyways
We are far away
You pretend to care so much
Why?
I dream about you at night
Wait...that is not the same man
The one in my dream holds me tight
He loves me so much
He does not lie
To me
Or anyone
When he says I am the only one
He means it
I believe it
He is more real
Than you
And he is only a dream.

No but really it's fine
I don't need truth
I don't need love
I don't need the hope
Of having that stated above
Every girl loves the empty words
Every girls loves to hear
I love you
And know they are just
words
So maybe I should thank you
For fulfilling that need
And helping me know
What it is like to
Hurt
And what it is like to
Miss you
Love you
Care for you
And knowing that you care for me
and her
and her
and who else?
So is that really caring
That is not love.
Let me back up
You are going to begin
Shouting my faux pas
So I admit now
I do not know what love is
Or how to love fully
But I understand
What love is not.

The traitor beats inside

She felt the pain in her heart perceptibly
Like everytime she breathed
Something new punctured the precious organ
Sometimes tiny little needles
Sometimes jagged daggers
She never knew how awful it would hurt next
And sometimes, the pain was so unbearable
That she was simply numb.
Those were the worst times.

So much had caused this pain
So many people
Can you even call them people?
The ones who did this to her?
It is unethical to call them human beings
When there is nothing humane about them

Can you not see she is aching
Because of what you did?
Or the lack of your actions is a better description.
She cared for you
Wanted to take care of you
Wanted to love you
Possibly.
More than any of that...

She wanted you to care
About her
For her

She wanted you to show the smallest amount of respect
She wants to believe she gave so much
Or you took so much
But the truth is,
She knew
From the beginning she knew this would happen
So she can't blame you

Once more she only has herself to blame
It never ends.

That is what is ironic about this situation
This agony can be traced in a full circle
The very heart that falls apart so easily
The same heart that hurts so badly
Is the source.
Is the reason.
She knows the truth.

You showed no real concern for her
You threw her into misery
You admitted you did not care
You told her you overlooked her
But the fact of the matter is
She did it to herself

Her heart betrayed her
Time and time again
The traitor beats inside her
Infecting the blood that rushes through her body
Restricting the breath that always tries to escape
But freely pouring out the tears
That wash away the fake smile on her weary face

She suffers but she knows
She only has herself to blame.

Sex trade as a reality...read it all

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3071965/ -Watch that/read that


My note-

I feel physically sick right now as I think more and more about the reality of the sex trade and sex slavery. More than that, I am sickened by the general ignorance of the majority. Chosen ignorange, I believe. It's much easier to not know about it or not think about it than realize how awful and gross and terrible it is and not really be able to do anything...or WANT to do anything about it. Come on guys, this is REAL and GROWING. This will not go away or fizzle out. This business/operation is HUGE and worldwide. I am just so angry about it and the whole idea that it is right here...RIGHT HERE in front of our faces and so many people don't know.

Preventing children from being sold into the trade is going to be what I devote my life to and that is my passion (Remembernhu.org). That makes me angry, sure. The fact that men (and women I'm sure) can do that to little girls AND boys who are so young and innocent. It's evil. But there are so many young teenage girls and young women who are forced to serve 20 or more men a night...FORCED. They are beaten, raped, and owned by their pimps. They do not choose this lifestyle. And yet these men having sex with them...these pigs who are so horrid they have to pay for sex... they think these girls enjoy this. Most of them believe these girls CHOSE to be prostitutes.
I'm reading a book called "The Natashas" by Victor Malarek and he says if the clients would just ask these girls their names or even where they came from they would very quickly hear stories about kidnapping, being sold, abuse, trafficking, etc...But they don't care enough. It makes me wonder if these men heard the stories...would it make a difference? Moving on to another thing that is eating away at my heart, people get really defensive saying some girls DO choose to be prostitutes. Here's the thing. There are girls in very bad living situations in poor countries (in America too, I'm sure) and they hear of an opportunity to go to another country, live in very nice places, get tons of money for sex, be able to buy themselves all these nice things and so they choose to go be a prostitute. However, when they get to their destination they quickly realize this is NOT what they were hoping for...in fact this is hell. They are imprisoned, locked up, beaten into submission and do not actually get to keep any money at all. So go ahead, argue that some of these girls are willingly part of the trade. If you would argue that, you are another reason I am wanting to punch someone right now!

Now here's another thing...there are prostitutes who are just that...literal whores. That girl in the Spitzer case Ashley whatever. She wasn't trafficked, beaten or forced. She chose that life.

Does anyone see the difference? I am not talking about girls like her who chose to be a prostitute and was just that...I'm talking about girls who choose to be prostitutes because they are so desperate and then are trafficked and become sex slaves. PLEASE admit that is a huge difference. The problem is there are these two types, prostitutes and slaves, mingling in bars, clubs, stripper clubs, massage parlors etc...and it is very hard to tell the difference by the outward appearance. The government or police will just assume anyone in these places should be charged and deported or taken to jail.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. How can we sit back and know these things are going on? These poor girls are empty. They have no love..not only that but they have so much evil around them. More than we can imagine. It is not RIGHT or FAIR that they are sent to jail after all these things have been done to them. And of course if they get deported what are they going to do?! They are back in the situation they were so desperate to leave (or were taken from/sold from).
Who can stop this? Who will rise up?
People need to know this is really happening. I think sometimes even when people read articles or books or hear stories, they are so crazy and awful people do not think it can be real. Sounds like just a movie or exxaggerated.

FALSE!! It's reality!! It's happening and this is the time for it to stop! I'm heated. I'm angry. I'm sickened. I'm so tired of the millions upon millions of women and children being told and treated like they are worthless.
They are not worthless.
No one deserves this.
They need help.

Now people may argue that they are just drug addicts or whatever.

Did you know pimps will hook their "property" on heroin (or another drug) to ensure they won't leave and will be cooperative? In a lot of intervention cases, girls end up going back to the brothels or clubs. There are several reasons for this:
1. They have been there so long and have been told that now they are damaged and no good and worth NOTHING and in their culture they will be treated like nothing. What does life hold for them now?
2. They need the drugs their pimps hooked them on and know they can get it there.
3. They feel worthless insideand more. Can we blame them? It's our own countrymen that got them in this situation.

Yes I am blaming Americans!

Of course not only Americans...but you wouldn't believe how many Americans were in Cambodia with lovely Asian "escorts." Do you think those young ladies actually chose to hang out with that old, fat, ugly foreigner they can't even talk to all day and night?! Then do whatever he asks of them.

Come on.

I don't think these traffickers and pimps and club owners deserve to live. I really don't. I honestly would like to find every single one of them and shoot them! And I want to just hug all those girls/women/boys that are trapped. I know God loves them. I am being honest and telling you I do not have God's love for the evil men AND women that are involved in trafficking.
The clients....the ones that pay. The ones that go on sex tours, or make a quick stop somewhere before they go home. The FUEL for the trade.I wish they knew the damage they've done and continue to do. I fully believe if they knew they would not be able to live with themselves.Or I hope so! I don't think they SHOULD live if they know!! Again...I know. God loves them. I know they need Jesus. Somehow God will still accept them after all the lives they've ruined. I hope all these people DO find Jesus and turn their lives around and if that does happen they better be in full reverse gear trying to get rid of this evil!

God please...I need your love for these traffickers, pimps, clients, etc before I go to help these girls. Please God, HELP these girls and boys! Stir up a passion in more people, like you've done in me to do something about this disgusting evil. There is nothing funny or entertaining about it. Jesus bring awareness to the massess.

If you are still reading this, please...research. Believe that this is really happening. Yes, sex sells. Unfortunately that is way too true. You can do the simplest google search and find so much information.

It is NOT that hidden...we just have our eyes closed.After I had my eyes ripped open and saw for myself some of this, I not only want to change things....I have no choice. My life is forever going to be a mission to help these poor lost souls. I would never be sattisfied doing anything else with my life. I don't care how much money I made or friends I could have...in the back of my mind I would be weeping for the "worthless" people. I'm not that smart. This note is not stuffed with big words or philosophical thoughts. In fact, I had to spell check a lot of these words in here!! But my heart has been broken by this and I can do something to change it...and so can you.

It is a reality everyone! Believe it and then do something about it.

Remember Nhu and all the other "Nhus" out there.